Carol McCormack, Clinical Nurse Manager III at St Patrick’s Mental Health Services’ Willow Grove Adolescent Unit, shares some advice for parents on how to support young people transitioning to secondary school.
Starting secondary school is a major milestone for young people and their parents. It can be an exciting time - a new school, new friends, greater independence and new opportunities. Alongside the excitement of this new phase, there can also be uncertainty, anxiety and a sense of feeling overwhelmed. For some young people, the transition feels relatively straightforward.
For others, it can take time to find their feet. They are learning a new environment, getting to know different teachers, dealing with a change in daily school routine, changing classes throughout the day, navigating friendships and managing increased academic expectations, often while experiencing significant emotional and developmental changes.
Experiencing mixed emotions
It is important to remember that children and adolescents can experience several emotions at once. They can be excited about secondary school and still feel nervous about leaving the familiarity of primary school. They may enjoy meeting new friends, but worry about fitting in. They may be proud of becoming more independent, while simultaneously wanting the reassurance of home.
Giving them time to decompress
After a busy day, young people may need downtime before they are ready to talk. The journey home can be the first opportunity to switch off, and arriving home does not necessarily mean they have processed everything that happened during the day.
- giving some downtime after school before moving to questions about homework, friendships or how their day went, where possible
- encouraging them to take short a break to have a snack, listen to some music or have some time alone, exercise or simply relaxing – it can give them the space to decompress and process a busy day
- understanding that this can be particularly important for young people who appear to cope well in school but release their emotions once they get home. Irritability, tearfulness or frustration may not mean they have had a “bad day”; sometimes home is simply where they feel safe enough to let those emotions out.
Building coping strategies
Parents cannot prevent every difficult experience, but they can help children develop strategies for managing them. Sometimes pre-empting challenges before they arise can be helpful. This could include asking the young person in advance what could they do if they get lost and can't find a classroom? Who could they approach if they are worried? What might help if they feel overwhelmed by schoolwork?
Learning to manage difficult emotions
It might be helpful to take some time to help your child identify and build strategies that work for them when challenges arise. This may include some mindfulness exercises or techniques such as taking a few slow breaths, going somewhere quiet, listening to music, getting outside, using grounding exercises or talking to someone they trust.
It’s not a one-size-fits-all list of strategies and, often, some strategies will work better than other at times, so having a range to be able to draw from can be helpful for young people.
Remember, the goal is not to teach children that they should never feel anxious or upset. It is to help them understand that difficult emotions are manageable and that they have options when they experience them.
Building resilience
It is natural for parents to want to protect their children from disappointment, friendship difficulties or academic setbacks. However, resilience develops through experiencing manageable challenges and discovering that we can cope with them.
You can help build resilience in young people by:
- resisting the urge to immediately solve a problem (where this is appropriate) Instead, ask: “What do you think you could do?” or “Would you like me to help you think through some options?”
- encouraging young people to start to take increasing responsibility for their school timetables and homework, while recognising that independence develops gradually
- praising effort, persistence, courage and problem-solving rather than focusing solely on grades or achievements A young person who learns that they can struggle, recover and try again is developing an important foundation for resilience.
Keeping communication open
One of the most valuable things parents can offer is a relationship where their child knows they can talk without immediately being judged, criticised or given a solution.
Instead of repeatedly asking, “How was school?”, try opening the door to conversation with questions such as, “What was the best part of your day?”, “Was anything difficult today?” or “Who did you spend time with?” And sometimes, don’t ask at all.
Let the young person know that they do not have to have the right words straight away. Keeping the door open means, they can come back to you later.
Recognising when more support may be needed
Some emotional ups and downs are a normal part of adjusting to secondary school. However, parents should pay attention to changes that persist or begin to interfere with everyday life.
These changes may include:
- ongoing anxiety or low mood
- withdrawing from friends or activities they previously enjoyed
- changes in sleep or appetite
- repeated headaches or stomach aches
- reluctance or refusal to attend school
- a significant change in motivation or academic engagement.
If these difficulties persist, worsen or are causing significant distress, it is worth seeking support rather than waiting for things to resolve on their own.
Talking to your child’s school and your GP if needed can be an important first step. Ultimately, resilience does not mean expecting children to cope alone. It means helping them develop the confidence to face challenges while knowing that support is there when they need it.
For parents, the message is simple: you do not have to make the transition perfect. Instead providing a space to listen when they are ready to talk and gradually help them discover that they are capable of handling the challenges that come their way.
